Saturday, almost there but no

I woke from at least 7 hours or more sleep. I felt better than I have this whole time. I went and got coffee and came down around 8am. She was sleeping and from what Susan and Larry told me she was well rested most of the night. And, she was at the end of the breathing machine. What she was pushing was what it was giving, she was almost off. Which was the best thing i could ever wake up too. She spent most of the next four hours in conscious sleep. She woke up and was very vocal with her eyes, didn't seem like much pain, more excitement. I think we were all really excited she was going to get that tube out of her mouth. When you ask her if she is ready to get out of here, she gives the biggest nod up and down. Damnit I loved her spirit today! She isn't swinging her head in negative refusal as much or desperately trying to move her arms up to her head. Actually her arms are working better today that i have seen them. Around noon another doctor came in to check on her preparedness for removal. I was very excited they let me stay in the room to rouse her, which is what we do, we are her damn support team beside her 24/7.  She was optmistic, an hour later, three doctors, and we did the same routine, they were very optimistic too. Her breath level was low but she nodded her head to get that damn thing off. Susan came down after noon and Larry around 2. They proceeded to do lots of tube work where the thing turned into a vaporizer for an hour. They took painful blood work into her arteries to find her oxegen levels. This place never stops its routines, blood every two hours, xrays every four. its never ending. Which i guess is good but it always seems like they come at the worst times. Well around 4 they told us they were going to do it so we convened to the waiting room. After an hour of hopeful anticipation the doctor came back and said she couldn't even draw her first breath. They had to reinsurt the tube, different place and put her way back up on the machine. This game is so up and down. When you go forward 3 steps, you then go back 2.7, which in all, you are going up, but its so painful to know that its so slow. They doped her up pretty well after that and we didn't bring it up that afternoon when she roused. We had her ready, she seemed ready, but the pain it seems is still so great that her strong body isn't ready to fight. So, now it seems we rest tomorrow, Sunday, and try again Monday, same game. If that doesn't work then we try something more drastic. It seems like we always in a race against the clock, they are worried that if we don't get the tube out soon she might be prone to more diseases, such as pneumonia, which would easily take her. Everything has mortal danger written on it, everywhere you look. We ate dinner while nurse Mary turned over to nurse Celly. These nurses are amazing, lots of compassion and general optimism. The doctors, not so much, they like to look down and walk by. Our team is going to change the tide, this family's optimism is going to win, our support team can't be broken. We will rest tomorrow on God's day and fight again Monday. Please pray for Nicole tomorrow and for sure come Monday morning. 

Friday. nothing

Susan and Larry woke me up on the couch before Lunch. I had written a big word of encouragment for Nicole last night so Larry and I could deliver it to her so she would be ready. The girl just has to know that she is going to fine. She has performed a miracle so far. If she had been any older and less fit she would be dead. Everything has been a slow miracle. Well she freaked this morning as they were trying to lower her levels on the breathing machine. Today was slow and torture. After trying that they started giving her new medicine. More regular pain medicine and anti deppresants, which once administered it drove her crazy. I had a very low hour of just trying to calm her and quit her from moving her one mobile arm. She looked like she was in so much pain, I know this girl, and looking into her eyes and her facial expresssions is just like talking directly to her soul. It hurt so bad, to love, and to look at someone in pain. I lost it for a bit and turned it over to Larry who has never seemed to lose it. I got in a low mood and my sister and chase came over again. We hung out upstairs for a bit in the Cruise deck lounge area. I talked to my priest, prayed, and tried to start up funner conversations. Averting is all i can do to stop thinking about it. I have moments of strength and positivity and then i crumble and cry. I feel weak. I went out to get some Benadryl with jordan/chase and came back to see she was in good hands for the night. My father was wonderful enough to help me rent a room for three nights on the floor above. I went to bed before midnight saying prayers that Chuck had sent me. One day bad, one day good, one day bad, tomorrow good. But it isn't even that, she is improving everyday, less tubes in her today, not ready on the breathing, tomorrow something less hopefully. She has done everything so far past expectations, she will get better, and it will take time. This is a great lesson in taking it slow.

Thursday. majic

Today was a good day or an uneventful day. She was very responsive when waking her up, or at least she smiled once everytime (90%) of the time. I still am in limbo here at the hospital. Susan and Larry got a room last night and i slept on the couch till about noon. I guess we went to lunch, and went to dinner. They did more xrays on her legs to determine damage there, which was slightly disconcerting. These doctors and nurses are amazing but sometimes it seems like they are backtracking its lots of ways.  She fell off a five story building and didn't break any or her arms or legs, wow, how did she do that? All the trama was done on her midsection and back. It was an amazing day too, stories from the rooms next door had us all excited. Miracles were happening. Susan had started up a journal or the days on Caringbridge.org and  prayers were flooding in. Daily thousands of people came to tell how much Nicole meant to them. I have been pretty bad on talking to people still. I get extremely emotional when it comes to people I care about. My sister and Chase came yesterday and she is the only family confidant I can talk to (and yes cry on) She has been amazing in helping. Others, I just want them to stay away until Nicole gets past the ICU. We got a slightly good word from the doctors and it looks like they want to take out her breathing tube tomorrow. Everythiing was looking up up up. Went went out to eat and a random irish pub karaoke bar, I felt bad but we needed food and it was the best meal I have had yet 

(steak of course). They say that we must take care of ourselves to take care of her. I haven't taken care of myself in a long time so I kinda feel like I am going to have a heart attack every hour. But i felt good tonight. We came back and the two nurses on duty were amazing, Sanghamitra (Sang) is a down to earth kick as nurse and Stephanie is a blond haired travelling snacker. They let me stay in the room most of the night Nicole while they worked. We danced, we played music on my laptop. And nicole seemed in good spirits when she was roused. Majic was in the air today and I was happy and positive. I slept in the room with her that night for a bit and then hit the couch early am and put Larry on duty. Things were looking good.

Wednesday

We found out today about the 4mm cut in her artery which was going to keep things to a minimum for awhile. What would be best for her was to rest and try to regain energy in her body, release harmful fluids, and let all the pressure from her body reside slightly. Any intense action might cause another stroke, which would damage her brain. Today, which has been very similiar to many seemed to be very long. I think we managed lunch at some late hour. It is hard to tell, time and space is not really all together in this hospital. I couldn't tell you when i slept, when i ate, what frame of reference I was in. She slept most of the day and was roused hourly to check on her status. Her smiles at me melt me to the core. They are the only thing that are keeping me hopeful. We stayed up through the night just giving her encouraging words and love. They have given her aspirin to thin her blood as to not have anymore strokes. I think they took it as light as they could today.

Tuesday, I got there

Today was spent in travel. I went and saw my dad for the first time today so he could give me something for Nicole. I got so teared up. I went and packed everything else up at the studio for Nicole and Jef gave me a ride to the airport.  Jackson, to Baltimore, then to NY. Tim-o, Nicole's old roomate and good friend drove all the way out to Long Island to pick me up. I got the hospital at 11pm to hear the worst news I have ever heard. I was expecting Nicole to be the same as she was the other day. The way Cherie and Carter had told me she was. Thumbs up and ready to recover. Instead I found out even worse news, her fall had left her with a small 4mm gash in one of her arteries. She had a stroke when she fell and was having some kind of small stroke when i got there. She had made it through surgery all day yesterday and it had somehow leaked into her brain today. I found my lovely dancer lost. She could barley open her eyes, she couldn't talk, she had a tube down her throat, and she was lifeless from head down. At one point I almost fainted, one doctor came by and asked about what we wanted to do if she never moved again. I couldn't breathe as they rushed her off to a very fast catscan. While we waited the night through in tears and prayers, she came back the room in the ICU. Oddly as the night progressed she was woken up every hour from the pain medicine. Upon early morning she knew who I was and had the most beautiful smile on her face that I had ever seen. I couldn't tell you what time i went to sleep on the floor in the waiting room or how long. It was a terrible day

Monday was so horrible.

i woke up late. I had packed everything last night and as the 1pm time rolled around I got a call that my flight was cancelled. I was so damn distraught. I wanted nothing than to be next to my lady and there was another hurricane coming. What was God doing? I spent the day alone in my studio just doing aimless work trying to keep my head numb but offering up prayers and questions to the skies. Susan and Larry said she was going into her first surgery on her upper neck and very dangerous 12 hour surgery. Come to find out Tuesday that it was successful and only took 8 hours. Thank God! I tried on Jef's recommendation to come over and eat something. Whitney and I went over and I started drinking fast. Soon as I knew it I was drunk, not having anything to eat all day, and walking outside to run away. I have been crying all the time and I just had to leave. Nothing seemed of importance except Nicole in my life. The stupid elections, the damn hurricane, everything that was in my face. Whitney took me back up to the Studio in tears and I once again resumed doing aimless shit to keep me off thinking. Matt Wender came up later and drank me stupid. We walked around in the rain that was Gustav, nothing more than rain. Why my flight couldn't leave was killing me. I stayed up late but I don't know what time I went to sleep. I hate to say that I drank to forget, but its all i could do till I got there.

Sunday through Tuesday

Things were rough for the next two days. I couldn't talk to anyone. I was in constant contact with Susan who got up to NY Sunday night. Nicole had apparently fallen off her 5 story apartment building while trying to scale down to a window.  The super had miraculously seen her 8 hours later on a Saturday and called the cops. Harlem hospital was luckily right across the street. Sunday she was transported over to New York Presbyterian which is one of the nations best neurological hospitals in the world. From what I knew Sunday, she had broken a bone in her upper neck, one in her lumbar, most of her ribs on one side, her pelvis, but no head trauma or internal bleeding (a little in her lungs), but that she had miraculously survived after 8 hours is a miracle. I was hysterical and couldn't be around anyone. I got together with Jaymee for lunch and after that I shut myself in my studio. Whitney came by later and so did Jef. I was up late trying to numb my head and not cry. We made Nicole artwork and Jef and I made her a funny square box that she could touch to get people to get her something. I really just cried and tried to fill my life with aimless work to forget. I couldn't go to church, people that cared for me just made me sad. I was also very very nervous about the weather. My flight was out on Monday and another damn Hurricane (Gustav) was threatening the coast and New Orleans again. I went to bed very early in the morning.